Pregnancy loss robs the expectant mother and everyone she knows of an imagined and desired future. And it can be especially difficult to know what to do or say when someone you care about goes from anticipating wonderful changes to completely let down in a matter of an instant. When you care about someone, you are invested in their well-being and when something so devastating happens you don’t want to do the wrong thing.

But one of the things you were not prepared for when you finally did become a family, was the toll the new baby would have on how well the two of you got along. No one fully understands how much their world changes when they bring a new baby home. In fact, you expect that you and your partner will be a team through the transition and figure things out together. You’ve both been so excited about this new chapter in your life together that you certainly don’t expect something so blissful to bring marital trouble.

As an expecting mother, you likely feel excited and are able to envision all the beautiful things that come along with bringing home baby. But, it’s doubtful you spend a lot of time thinking about the challenges you may feel emotionally when the baby arrives. Unfortunately, by not considering how hormones and lack of sleep contribute to feelings of anxiety and isolation, you’ll likely become surprised when you don’t feel like motherhood matches your expectations. The downside to not being prepared for these changes is that when it hits, you may feel like something is wrong with you.

Being a new mother can be a roller coaster experience. On one hand, there is so much joy that comes from creating a life. And on the other, there’s a lot of difficulty. You may have had so many hopes and dreams prior to giving birth, but one thing you weren’t prepared for was the feelings of loneliness and overwhelm that comes with motherhood.

Many people who experience pregnancy loss don’t want to talk about it. They may feel uncomfortable with their grief, believing that it’s not valid, because they “didn’t know their baby” in the physical world. Another thing that happens is loved ones become awkward as they aren’t sure whether to ask questions or talk about the baby. When this happens, it can feel more comfortable for everyone if you act as if you are no longer grieving the loss.

Mothers are always the ones thinking of and planning for everyone else in the family. Not only this, carrying out the details of the plans often falls to moms as well. As a result, you often feel like your brain never turns off. Like you have a running list of to-dos inside your head and that no one else can accomplish the tasks but you. So, at the end of the day, you feel massively overwhelmed. And worried and anxious and sad.

Some of us are lucky to have partners who are “naturals” when it comes to providing support during infertility treatment. Probably the majority feel that their partner is helpful and caring and wants to be there for them, but sometimes might not know the best way to do so or the right things to say.  This of course is complicated by what you need at that very moment, which could constantly be changing.

There have been days where I’ve been so proud of having figured out some great twin Mom parenting hack, followed by days where I have felt clueless and lost.  There have been (many) days where I have burst into tears from frustration only to find myself, minutes later, laughing uncontrollably from how sweet and silly they can be with each other.

When you were in the thick of infertility treatment, if someone told you that one day you might look back and appreciate the process, what would you think?  Most likely, you would think they were crazy . . . But someday, when you are off the infertility rollercoaster, you may look back and think, “I would not change a thing.”  Here are some reasons why, from women who have been there.